Leading at all levels
Can you step up in a different way?
Mary and I sit side by side at the window of our favorite coffee shop. I’d been lucky to be her executive coach several years before. She was then (and still is!) a vibrant, ambitious, sparkling gem of a human. We continue to connect annually, a friendship deepening, and the coach in me always eager to be of service.
We launch into a spirited conversation sharing tidbits of our lives back and forth. The personal is embedded in the very first chemistry check. These humans I meet often lack a connection that allows them to go deep on their lives – their full lives – with an invested listener, a cheerleader, an advocate, a truth-teller.
We finally get down to business, and she audibly sighs. She has a new manager, and it’s not going well. Mary has successfully pivoted inside her company multiple times since our coaching engagement, making leaps and strides. She is openly ambitious, and this new manager feels a bit like a thorn in her side. The usual phrases are tossed out – ‘in the weeds,’ ‘a micromanager,’ ‘leaning too far into my business,’ ‘going around me to my direct reports,’ ‘doesn’t trust me.’
Mary then says that her peers are experiencing the same things. Frustration abounds on the team. And no one is saying anything. Except to each other. Nobody has been brave enough to confront the new boss.
I listen, ask a few questions. She considers a few different ideas about what to do, including “sucking it up.” This “wait it out” strategy is a valid option. Her company moves people around frequently and there are rumors that her next move is imminent in the next 6 months. I can hear her convince herself that she can sweep this under the rug and then hightail it out of there.
Then I ask, “What if it’s actually your job to make her successful?”
There’s an almost imperceptible, “you’ve got to be kidding me” look flash across her face.
I say, “Hear me out. You’ve made it really clear you want a more senior role in the company, right? What if leadership resides at any level, not just in those who have been granted the title?”
Mary smiles and begins to see where I’m headed, but still isn’t sure.
“Your manager is struggling in her new role and is failing to give the team what they need. She seems to be exhibiting behaviors that are inhibiting progress. What if your main goal were to help her see the impact she’s having? What would that look like? And what if you could help her see what you need to be operating optimally? If it’s not addressed, the team will continue to experience high levels of frustration, and you’ll leave this situation for the next person to figure out. That doesn’t sound like you.”
“You know, I do think that she’s finding her way in this new role and is leaning heavily into the things she did in her last role so maybe she’s feeling lost and anxious,” Mary says.
Mary is beginning to broaden her view of the situation. She’d come in with a fairly narrow lens, homed in on what she was experiencing, and was trying to solve for only that.
When we bring a problem into the center of the viewfinder and change to a wide-angle lens, we gain peripheral vision.
In this case, relational peripheral vision. Mary started to take into account the larger picture. To ultimately help the broader team, she’d have to turn her attention to what was happening for her manager.
“You’ve helped me see that when someone is anxious or worried, they’re activated, so her brain isn’t working the best way right now.”
“So what would it be like for you to be a regulating force for her, helping her brain come a little bit back online? What’s your next step?” I ask.
And we’re off to the races, brainstorming strategies for Mary to bring the calm, centered leader in her into the situation at hand.
Epilogue:
A year later Mary and I meet again. She’s excited to update me. After our last conversation, Mary took our conversation to heart. She decided that the best course of action was to give her manager everything she needed. If she asked for details, Mary gave them willingly. If she wanted to come to a team meeting, Mary agreed enthusiastically. She began to proactively draw her boss into conversations. Quickly her manager felt a bit more in control and began to relax, letting Mary and the team do what they do best. Over the course of the year Mary shifted roles again. A few weeks later the person that had replaced her asked for help. She was struggling with the very same manager. Mary shared what had worked for her, building awareness in her peers. The change kept rippling outward.
Remember, when it comes to being a regulating force in an organization, job title doesn’t matter. We can choose to play a role that extends beyond the confines of our job description that just might create better conditions for all the players on the field.
Try This:
When your colleague’s actions are impacting you in a way that leaves something to be desired, take a step into the balcony. Are there things you’re not seeing about the broader situation? What might be going on for this person that might explain their actions? Leading sometimes means stepping back from your own needs temporarily to study the larger context. You might see that someone around you is struggling with an activated brain. Can you extend yourself in some small way to reduce the inflammation and help them reset?